I’m going to try to get at least one post in a week now. It’s as much a stress-coping mechanism as getting thoughts down. So forgive me for both irregularity and this small prelude.
Friends see me as a calm person. Even as an young child, my parents tell me, I rarely got upset over anything trivial. And I am usually more laid back and thoughtful than excited.
My family, however, has gotten to know that I am prone to bursts of intense anger. And those are just the ones that I act upon.
I get angry at people. Walking to slowly, being too loud, acting too sad. Hell, I get mad at strangers all the time just because they look happy. I suddenly hate my 9 year old brother because he sat next to me. I’ve murderously seethed at my boyfriend because he did something unexpectedly.
These rage-filled moments can last hours. Or half of a second.
Everyone gets mad, but this is searing rage at someone for looking at my book. If I weren’t so shy and terrified of attention, I would probably be kept under close supervision at all times.
I mention this because not only are these feelings extremely out of character for me, but because I have been watching a lot of Supernatural.
For those who don’t watch Supernatural, don’t worry. It won’t be a huge part of this.
The reason I bring it up is one character (Sam) is extremely level-headed early in the show. He is basically our Luke Skywalker: relatable, calm, empathetic, virtuous. But at one point Sam says:
“Most of the time I can hide it, but I am angry. I’m mad at everything… And I make excuses… but it’s not their fault, it’s not them, it’s me. It’s inside me. I’m mad all the time, and I don’t know why.”
This quote struck me. A reason is never given for this anger and it is present throughout the series, always coming in bursts. Very similar to mine, but less trivial. Sam never wanted to kill anyone for liking a pretentious film.
I deal with this anger in various ways. Most of the time it will just fizzle out on its own. If not, thinking “why am I angry at this?” usually fixes it. I did get mad enough one time that I nearly struck someone, but I caught myself and fumed in a corner until it went away.
I had a dream the other day. I was in high school again, but I wasn’t shy. I had boisterous conversations and witty banter with teachers. I dressed flashily in a style all my own. Then I lept at someone’s throat because they made a politically incorrect joke (which is commonplace).
I feel like this is something I would do if I did have a less introverted, less anxiety ridden personality.
I don’t know if there was ever a point to writing this down. I wanted to write something positive about my experiences dealing with anger, but I think I just act like I’m okay until I actually am.
Until I can think of a creative out-tro, blog ya later!