(Just a heads up that this is more of a place for me to organize my thoughts than a legitimate blog. I’ve got like 15 drafts of really interesting essays and analysis that I got halfway through then completely lost interest in.)
College is actually hurting my will to do things with my life. I hate being here. It’s a great college and everyone’s super nice and talented, but that makes me feel even worse. I’m so unstable that I can’t consistently do well in anything outside of my actual voice lessons and education classes. I’ll be super productive for like a week, then I’ll crash so hard that I can’t even go to class. I’ve been looking up various mental disorders, so when I go home for the summer I’m gonna see what I can do about talking to someone about Bipolar II. It’s described what I’m basically going through better than anything else I’ve read about. I’ll also see what I can do about getting some heavy duty sleep aids, since I really don’t think going 4 days straight without sleep at least once a month is healthy.
In other news, I’m close to failing a majority of my classes (though to be fair as an education major a C- is failing in most cases…). I’m legitimately considering dropping out, though how I’d pay back the debt I don’t know. Plus it wouldn’t help my self esteem much and I’d get to live my whole life knowing I was too screwed up to even get certified for my dream job. But hey, I got further than either of my sisters. Technically dropping after freshman year would still make me the successful child.
Fuck it, I can’t even write a halfway decent blog post. Back to trying to limit my internet censorship speech to three minutes. I can feel my brain deteriorating.